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comunication
August 2009 
I Am Upset
Posted on Jul 9th, 2009
by 
Sundari
Sundari
I am very upset with you right now Satek. I am not sure whether this assignment you have given me "to write about why I am upset" is a way for you to express your misogynistic power you may think you have over me or if it is a genuine thing you would like for me to express and then learn/grow with. But here I am writing, not because you knew that last comment you made about "are you too upset to learn?" would "challenge" me, but because it feels good to express myself in the form of writing. Maybe I'm just crazy. But non the less, I am very upset with you. I innocently was trying to help by expressing what I thought should be done in the class setting. Even though my words might have come out in the wrong form (i.e. "should"), I think you could have appropriately interpreted that my heart was in a good place and therefore my words were too. I was happy and enjoying the conversation. But apparently I struck a sensitive nerve within you. I am sorry for this and my ignorance of the impact of my word choice. And here I am, settled down enough to eat, and my jaw wont allow my mouth to open enough to put even a bit of food in. I'm so fucking pissed. And don't give me any of that bull about not allowing the emotions to control me. I want them to in this moment, I am allowing them to. And I'm not going to write about this tomorrow or in a week or a year, so don't ask me to. Anyways, I know my words struck something that didn't feel the best for what I was trying to communicate, but I wasn't being rude, harsh, or any of the above. And I know you could feel that. So why, why did you respond with such hast, harshness, and rudeness? Why weren't you in more control of your emotions and reaction? You hurt me. I know two wrongs don't make a right, and that the way I responded in retaliation was even worse. But at that point it was on. Next time if I'm speaking in a way that doesn't feel good, tell me; without me having to stop whatever your saying to point out that you are clearly upset and being harsh and then inquire as to why. Other than this occasion (and the one where I ran through the sprinklers), I have always stopped and pointed out what hurt me and felt "bad" at the moment it happened; and done it with as much softness, calmness, and gentleness possible. I very, very rarely will just continue the conversation with harshness and hurt feelings without letting you know that this is what was going on inside. But it feels like you do so often. There has to be a better way for you, us, to communicate when something like this goes on for you. Unless I'm just interpreting it in a misconstrued way, then let me know.
Access: PublicTagged with: Harshness, hurt, comunication, outlet, reaction, conversation, feelings, interpretation
Ahhh, very good padawan.
Yes, I knew that this would challenge you, and I knew that you would accept. That was the purpose of that last statement. But look at what you have now. A flash frame of anger in it's purest form. It is beautiful.
This is one of many voices that we all have. Remember the persona is composed of many different voices, the protector, the controller, the seeker, the wounded child, the prostitute, the victim, and of course anger. Whenever we identify with a specific voice we see everything through that perspective. Fear only sees things that it is afraid of, love only sees things that it loves, and anger only sees things that make it angry.
Read the very last sentence you wrote again and consider for one moment, what if you did just misinterpret my inflection? Just as a hypothetical, then reread the entire post and see what it feels like to you.
You called me mysogonistic, hasty, harsh, and rude. =o
All based on an inflection that you believe you heard. Yes, you did tell me what I should do with my students, and yes I did feel resistance to this seeing as how you have been studying this practice for all of 4 weeks, but I was very conscious of how I said what I said and I was in no way hasty, harsh, or rude.
As with everything, your perception created your experience and that experience was your reality.
If you believe that I am a mysogonist, or harsh, or rude I would hope that you would find a better teacher;)
I have never said anything rude to you, treated you a certain way because of your gender, or in any way disrespected you, because I simply have no reason to.
I am very proud of how you handled this lesson. It is time for you to begin writing as a part of your daily practice.
Your first assignment is to now assume that I did have whatever inflection you believe that I had and tell me even if this were the case, why did you react so intensely to it? What nerve did this hit in you. Where did it come from?
Patterns, Stories, and Lessons… the reaction is the pattern, what is the story? Then you can understand the lesson.
This isn't about who's right or wrong, it is about you understanding what your wounds are made of, because that is the only way to heal them.
Peace,
SaTek
www.bodyjuggling.com